In Her Words
by nakala
Summary: She can't do it. She can't face him. She wouldn't stop by his office in the morning just to say 'hi' as she's done nearly every morning since he started. She couldn't. One-shots from Not Again and the Sequel not yet titled in Jane's POV. Insight into how Jane is feeling and what she's thinking at different junctures.
1. Chapter 1

**In Her Words **

**This is the companion piece to Not Again. The chapters are one-shots from Not Again and the Sequel not yet titled. They will be in between time or during. Mostly just a look into Jane's mind and how she feels about different things. **

**Chapter one is set directly after chapter 3. Her thoughts on what happened between her and Grayson. **

She can't do it. She can't face him. She wouldn't stop by his office in the morning just to say 'hi' as she's done nearly every morning since he started. She couldn't. How could she after making such a fool of herself? She'd have to find a way to avoid the office building as much as possible.

What was she thinking? Grayson could never see her in that way again. Maybe if she looked like Deb. Herself? Not Jane. She's this weird mix between the two. Jane's brains with Deb's memories. So in a way she's a new person. A person that made out with Grayson after having her heart broken by her fiancé. A person that was rejected by her, or more specifically the old Deb's fiancé. It was completely embarrassing; a sad display of desperation and obviously unwanted.

The first step she takes is to corner Parker and demand he gives her as many cases as he can. It doesn't matter how big or small; she just wants her plate full. She tells him she needs this. She needs something to keep her mind off of Owen. Parker obliges. He's tired of arguing with Kim over some of the cases anyway.

She's more tired than she's ever been and stretched thinner than a sheet of paper, but its working; so, she doesn't complain. Maybe after some time the initial shock of the make-out session will wear off for both she and Grayson and maybe then she'll be able to look him in his face.

His beautiful face.

It was that beautiful face and the way he'd looked at her that night. The way he'd spoken to her as if she was special that encouraged the reckless thought that had shifted through her mind on countless occasions to touch her lips to his. She hadn't expected him to respond so eagerly. To respond at all. She was merely throwing all caution to the wind. And boy did the wind sweep her away. She was caught up in a fantasy come to life. Her innermost desires playing out in reality. Though she'd been hurt by Owen, he couldn't have been further from her mind or heart at that time. She wanted Grayson. She needed Grayson. For more reasons than the obvious. She would be lying if she said she hadn't kissed him, initially, to clear her head of the agonizing replaying of the loss of who she thought would be the man she would join in matrimony, but she would also be lying if she said she hadn't kissed him because she wanted to fill his lips on hers, hers and not Deb's to see it felt the same as before. She needed to know if they fit together as seamlessly as they once did in a past life. Truth was they fit better. Because she was better. She wasn't a half of a whole. She wasn't some bimbo without a brain nor was she some prudish shrew. She was the best of both of those long forgotten people. Therefore, they fit better. On every level.

She and Grayson fit very well together, and she was entirely accepting of seeing how effortlessly they could become one. However, her trip on the stairway to heaven was cut short, when he finally came to his senses. As he peppered soft kisses on her bruised lips, she felt her heart blaze with fire. Her love for him overtaking her, more potent than anything she ever felt for anyone else. And for a split second she could feel that love reflected in his gentle kiss and once his kisses ceased she thought she could see it reflected in his eyes. But she was wrong. She was mistaken. It was regret. He didn't want to…not with her. He could with Kim of all people, but not with her. Anger coursed through her veins immediately flushed out by the unbearable sting of rejection.

She had really stepped in this time. The consummate failure at anything resembling love. And this time, she had to see the person every day. How could she face him? How could she look him in the eyes after this colossal mistake? She couldn't.

She had averted her gaze from his as he remained atop of her staring into her face telling her that they can't do what she desperately wanted to do. The anger in her pushed him from her pulling the sleeve of her camisole and strap of her bra up to rest on her shoulder. She sat up holding back her tears while he put he put on his dress shirt buttoning it up. She looked everywhere but towards Grayson as he told her that they couldn't cross that line. They wouldn't be able to turn back once they went down that road and that he couldn't take things that far with her. She didn't respond. What could she say? He clearly didn't want anything to do with her. In a way, she understood, so she accepted what else could she do? That didn't mean it didn't hurt like the dickens.

It was all she could do to muster a mildly passable smile as she showed him to the door. He didn't know that she was lying through her teeth when she said she understood. That despite her love and devotion to both Tony and Owen and everyone else in between, she has never let him go. She doesn't know how to. If she was completely honest with herself, her heart broke the moment he separated from her his eyes alight with something that caused her insides to stir. But he demolished what she knows would have been the best night of her life since becoming Jane. And even though it seemed as if maybe he felt for her as more than a friend, the very instance he spoke the dissenting words, she knew she was right. He could never look at Jane the way he'd looked at Deb. The way she wants him to look at her.

**Stairway to heaven an allusion the O'Jays song stairway to heaven. **

**So tell me what you think and the sequel to Not Again will be up once I think of a title. **

**And have to say I hated the season finale. **

**Nakala **


	2. Chapter 2

She had been wrong. He had looked at her, Jane, the new her, with the same intensity as he'd once looked at her, Deb, before. He loves her. Grayson Kent loves her. As her. Not as Deb but as her, Jane. The woman she is today. She'd nearly burst into flames from the knowledge. She was so overwhelmed. The part of her that retained so much of Deb was overjoyed to know that all of her hoping would finally become. She could finally be reunited with her heart. But Deb is now Jane.

Jane. And now, Jane, in lieu of excitement is swimming in a sea of fear. Love had done her wrong one time too many.

When she'd returned as Jane, her main objective had been to get Grayson to see her. To get him to fall in love with her as she was and for whom she had become. However, as time passed, which wasn't much because he'd bedded Kaswell before she could update her wardrobe, she realized her chances with Grayson were slim to none. At first, the thought crushed her. She was doomed. If she couldn't have Grayson then she didn't want anyone. How wrong she had been.

She'd met her match in Tony, but soon found out that she'd rather enjoyed their little competition, and he enjoyed her company. Can't say it was a whirlwind romance because it wasn't. And just as they were reaching a climax, old Jane's ex husband shows up stirring up all these unexplainable emotions and causing a rift between her and Tony that broke them apart for far too long. Eventually they got back together and things were steadily building. They had gotten over the disaster of a fake marriage, and things were going great, their mutual affection blossoming into the first fruits of love. She was happy. Her want for Grayson still pricked at her mind, but she buried it under her love for Tony. He deserved it and she had decided that she wanted him. Tony, who was the complete opposite of Grayson with his cute, opposed to handsome, boyish features. She can honestly say with conviction that she loved him. Could see herself sharing a life with him, but just as abruptly as she'd lost her life, Tony was snatched from her to a job he couldn't turn down. Though it broke her heart, she understood. They hadn't progressed to that level, and she wasn't ready to up and leave her new life. Their love was real, but circumstances tore them apart.

Dr. Bill Kendall…it wasn't love, but she thought it was something, only to find she was one of many. It hurt more than it should have, but thinking she'd been relegated to a quick lay and an occasional meal did something to her self esteem she had to fight to fix. With time she put that ridiculous affair behind her and got on with her life.

French was more of a surprise than Tony. He was slightly brash and very forthcoming. Attributes that initially turned her off, but he was so cute and interesting that she couldn't resist him. He'd wooed her. She'd been swept up by him and when he offered to whisk her away she took him up on the offer. She thought for sure he was the one. Everything between them was so perfect. That is until Owen proposed. The moment the words left his mouth things were damaged beyond repair leading to their ending, or rather her ultimately severing ties with him. She didn't want anything to do with him anymore.

This was supposed to be her happily ever after. He'd gone against his own beliefs and asked her to marry him but decided that she wasn't worth it. She wasn't worth marrying. It wasn't a stretch for her to believe that he was in love with her entirely, but she'd been wrong. Who's to say Grayson isn't wrong? These feelings, this love, could all be fleeting. It's not as if he'd given her any sign to the contrary before now.

Her heart has belonged to him before Jane, before heaven, before death. She couldn't take it if he changed his mind or wasn't sure. No parts of her could take it. She couldn't face herself. Wouldn't face him ever again.

So, as elated as she'd been to hear of his love for her, the moment was shrouded in layers of fear and bliss. And as if he could sense her hesitation he'd misjudged assuming she didn't return his feelings. Impossible, but she can't rollover as if she was never with Owen, as if his indecision didn't affect her. It did more than anyone could know. That's why she purposely keeps herself at a safe distance from the very man her heart longs for with no idea of when she'll be ready to accept his offered affection.


End file.
